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Mar 29

Stop Treating the Homeless Like People

I get a lot of hate for this, but I fucking can’t stand the homeless. I really can’t. They are aggressive, don’t have any boundaries, refuse to take “no” for an answer, and in many cases, are violent.

One of the arguments I often hear is that they are human. Perhaps they were at one time, but once they’ve been infected, they change. As the South Park documentary, “Night of the Living Homeless” showed, they more resemble the undead.

People (real people, not the homeless) will try to convince you that they are simply humans who are suffering mental illness and/or addiction. There’s certainly a correlation between homelessness and mental illness and addiction. I can see how you’d think that maybe the mentally ill and addicts become homeless, but that doesn’t explain why plenty of mentally ill and addicts don’t become homeless. And I’ve never seen a homeless that DIDN’T show signs of mental illness or addiction. Probably because humans call it “camping”. So how do we explain the correlation?

My theory is that the homeless infection actually causes the mental and addictive issues. Similarly to how a certain fungus can infect ants, and basically turn the ant into a mindless carrier, I think the homeless deteriorates the brain in such a way, that it has similar symptoms to mental illness. Plus, since the homeless can’t perform basic tasks, it makes them unable to work. With all that free time, they start doing drugs. It’s the homeless that causes the problem, not the other way around.

When I was young, the small hick town in which I was incarcerated had one homeless. I think the locals called it “Walter”. Now, that town’s homeless population has dramatically spread. They are now quickly approaching 5 homeless. Here, in Seattle, we are facing an epidemic. Seattle’s leadership has called it a “state of emergency“. There are certain parts of Seattle that are no longer safe at night. I recently read an article about how it affects the tourism industry. Someone from Visit Seattle (a group that sets up conventions and large groups) said that their solution was to be mindful of the time of day, and give prospective business tours in such a way as to avoid the clusters of homeless.

When I walk to work, I have to practically parkour because there are so many of these things. Which brings me back to my main point. These are not human. What are some of the traits that humans have? Feelings? Well, the homeless sleep on the hard ground. Clearly they don’t feel pain. Speech? Have you heard a homeless try to communicate? It’s just word salad. Random sounds that seem like there might be intent, but about as useful as when my cat talks my ear off. I mean, seriously, is there a difference between “the man is Jesus and they put an implant in my brain because I know what’s really going on and can I have a cigarette because the government is out to get me” and “meow merow meowowow”? It’s not people speak.

While they do appear to have similar hair patterns to humans, their fur is more prone to matting. This could be because they lack the ability to clean themselves. My cat can clean herself, and even tries to clean my skin, but that’s a skill too advanced for the homeless. Sure, they are seen using wheeled contraptions, so they do appear able to use basic tools, but that skill is still far below the level of, say, crows. Have you seen a homeless try to walk? It’s a slow awkward stumble. Like they still haven’t figured out how legs work. I think this is due to the previously mentioned mental deterioration, where the homeless infection literally eats the brain.

What about awareness? Humans are one of the few species on the planet that is aware of our place in the universe, our mortality, and how our actions affect our environment. Yesterday, a homeless came up to me and this happened:

Homeless: “Can I have some change?”
Me: “I don’t carry change.”
Homeless: “How about a cigarette?”
Me: *grabs an empty pack that I now always carry for cases like this* “Sorry. I’m out.”
Homeless: *walks a few feet away without saying anything, drops his bags of garbage… err… I mean “his personal belongings”, pulls out a cigarette FROM HIS OWN FUCKING PACK, and lights up. Then, he spits a few times on the sidewalk, shoots one of those gross snot rockets out of his nose, then turns to face the building, pulls down his pants, and starts pissing on the wall*

That’s a human? Really? I know dogs that are trained better. This wasn’t in an alley way. This was in full view of everyone. Not only was the homeless asking for something it didn’t need, it was also so oblivious that it didn’t realize it’s behavior was inappropriate. It’s an insult to other humans, to say that we are just as low a form of creature as the homeless. These are not people. They are animals. They are not homo sapiens. They are homeless sapiens.

What’s the solution? I mean, clearly, the ideal solution is either a vaccine or at least a cure. Maybe shock therapy or brain transplants from a human corpse to a homeless. I think, as with every other outbreak scenario, we need to start with a quarantine. No one is using Iowa, so let’s block it off, move the homeless there, and then wait for scientists to find a cure. In the meantime, Seattlists could walk down the street without worrying that a homeless will attack them. That way we can keep the human population safe. If scientists can’t find a cure, I think the only humane thing to do is to put the homeless down. If your pet was sick, and there was no cure, prolonging their suffering would be seen as cruel. Maybe we have to do that with the homeless. Think of it as a rabies outbreak. Mutual symptoms include aggression, foaming at the mouth, and fear of baths.


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